Life

Before I start writing this blog, i have been wondering what should i put as the title. After reading the manga "Aku No Hana" , i decided to name it Life.

In this life do we ever though of how should we live our life? many of this question stroke our mind, probably once or twice in our life time or maybe even more.

In this world our life maybe small, yet if we live out our life, it might lead to a greater cause. 

After my break up, i think 3 years? my friends would ask me, how can you be single for 3 years, won't you be lonely or anything. When people are hurt, when no one to comfort them, the best solution would be self protection. Even i would told them used to the life of being single, i'm ok with the life i having now, part of it yes i really get used to the life i'm having now but i can't denied the part that the whole idea set up just to protect myself from getting hurt.

Many people in this world, they tried their best to live out the life to the greatest extend, for self-satisfaction. Some would pursuit for greater job /career, sacrifice for their family, some might still chasing their dream.

After reading "Aku No Hana", sometimes people may lose sight of what they really look up for, and might lead to astray. Loving someone is great but to what extend could a person sacrifice in order just to have the person looked at you. When to get the attention, people will tend be extraordinary. But people would go beyond that, and will eventually losses the true selves, where it sparkle the most. Being ordinary isn't a sin, if you were the person cup of tea, no matter now ordinary you are, it sparkle the most. "hanabi".

For me, the life is our own, how or what we do to make it sparkle the most is by our hand. Sometimes i do believe, this world is chain by variety of timelines, every decision, every movement, we made will decide the future of us. If we chooses A, if we chooses B, life goes on, time will move in the same direction, without stopping, but in the end it will leads us to the outcomes we chose for our life to continue.

If we choose to live for others its not bad, but might eventually loses the spark that you ones hold dear. while the opposite live for yourselves, you will make out a greater and bigger spark that you don't even realize. 

Life is a difficult question, there are many times live will give us a great challenge. How serious we take it, will decide the path to walk on. While looking back, many of us would think "i wish that i be able to go back in time', people like me i dwell in the past for so long, i was unable to grasp of what my true feeling. Regrets hold you back, yet time will move on. 

How life of your own should continue is purely depends on your decision, what important is never lost track of yourselves, face your true selves. A brighter path will open for you, road to many possibilities..

complicated feeling

Recently i watch an old anime called 5 centimeter per second, in this anime it brings out strong emotional feeling towards love but it reflect on the cruel reality where some love were not always have the answer that the person desired.

1st part of the anime, it show on the era where technology is not yet advance. In this part, it show a boy name tohno and a girl name akira both still 12yo, so young is it? both from different city, move to the same town, study the same school, become friends, good friends and end up they feel in love with each other. As time goes by, where the girl parent need to move again, both have to separate again. Tohno still love Akira yet havta accept the fact that she gonna to leave. At the end of the chapter, tohno gonna move to other town which will be even further than what both of them used to be, even far that will take days to meet each other. Tohno decided to find her, travelling long hour train, encounter strong snowstorm, just to meet her even a couple hour. At the end, both of them answer their feeling with a kiss and they forever unable to contact each other as the guy leave by the train and move to a place even further. In the 1st part, it was trying to illustrate physical distance. Both in love but distance separate them.

Tohno Takaki: And right then it felt like I finally understood where everything was, eternity, the heart , the soul. It was like I was sharing every experience I'd ever had in my past 13 years. And then, the next moment, I became unbearably sad. I didn't know what to do with these feeling. Her warmth, her soul. How was I supposed to treat them? That, I did not know. Then right then, I clearly understood that we would never be together. Our lives not yet fully realized, the vast expanse of time. They lay before us and there was nothing we could do. But then, all my worries, all my doubt, started melting away. All that was left were Akari's soft lips on mine.

2nd part, is when Tohno move to the other town and is in high school. There was a girl name Kanae, she was deeply fall in love with Tohno. But as Tohno heart has been occupied and yet he and Akira has been losing contact ever since after he moved. Tohno heart has been broken down into pieces where he has the habit to type of his daily life process in his phone and try to send it out the Akira but since they have lost contact, he always end up deleting the message after finish typing it. Kanae loves to surf and she promise the day that she able to master surfing, she will confess to Tohno. But it also leads to the realization that Tohno will never love her, she describe it as when "me and him stand side by side, watching the same sky, yet i feel Tohno-kun always glance even farther than me, to the place where i can reach him". In this part, they trying to illustrate emotional distance. One sided love.

3rd part, is when Tohno has already a grown up guy and working in Tokyo as a computer engineer. He is in a relationship with a girl name Risa. In this part, Tohno end up breaking up with Risa even 3 years relationship. Tohno heart has been deeply hurt, comes to a point that he can't really response to other people love. Risa said "even 3 years of relationship with you, i still don't understand you. There is somewhere deep inside your heart where u don't want talk about or bring it up again'. That would mean the wound left by Akira, his 1st love. Even so many years, he still hung on his promise to Akira. A promise that he couldn't carry out, a promise that broken his heart in pieces that it couldn't recover. Tohno end up quitting his job an went back to the town where he met Akira, and the same scenery both walk pass the railway and both notice each other and the train pass by, it do shows that the women(Akira) has a wedding ring on her. When the train pass by, she is gone and Tohno left with a smile. In this part, they trying to illustrate temporal distance. Even time passes for so long, even has met for centuries, yet those who really love, holds on the promise and live on.Even they knew that it is futile.

Yesterday, I had a dream.. A dream I have since long ago. In that dream, we had yet to turn 13. We were in a vast countryside, completely covered with snow. The lights of the houses extended far into the distance, a dazzling sight. We walked on the thick carpet of fresh snow, but did not leave any footprints. And like that..." Someday we will be able to watch the cherry blossoms together again". Both of us, without any doubt.. That's what we thought.

1hour anime, it shows that sometimes the reality of love in life. Not all can be answered, yet many obstacle in between, or so called "fate". The author trying to emphasize on that life have to go on, search for new happiness and let go of the past where is it unreachable. Its true if not people will always stuck in the past dwell with the past and unable to step out from the past. It requires time as many of us do really love someone before is hard to let go even just memories left.

And after watching this anime, i have come to a realization that i was the same as Tohno in part3, afraid of moving forward.Maybe this quote of Tohno will comes to a better understanding than what i said:

“I’m just trying to live my life, but it seems as if sadness always piles itself up around me. It’s in my bed, the toothbrush in my bathroom, and the memory of my cellphone. Over the past few years, I’ve wanted to move on, I’ve wanted to take hold of something I couldn’t reach. What that is, I have no idea. Not knowing where such obsessive thoughts were coming from, I simply drowned myself in my work. Then one day I realized that my heart was withering, and in it there was nothing but pain. And one morning, I realized that my beliefs, that I once held so passionately, had completely disappeared. That was it, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I quit my job.”

working.......

It's been a while since the last time i update my blog, busy study, busy life and busy work, at most busy gaming and anime-ing.^v^

The moment i start study, i do think about my life: should i let go of what i previously struggle to achieve and just go on with stable income or part time study and work? In the end i choose to go on with a stable life.

As time passes, many things happened. somewhere deep down, i feel like want to rest. A long long rest and were able to enjoy with friends, maybe reminiscing how carefree that i used to be.

Soon will go for intern, and is where life start to get busy and the lesser the time left for me. Maybe this is the complexity feeling of those student who just graduate and stepping into working life, maybe just hav'ta get used to it and everything will be fine? I presumed, but still i will remain to be myself. A guy who is called as anime kaki (I'm proud to be), gaming kaki. Just don't know when will i step into the life of goyang kaki...hahaxzx.

Life is going to change more drastically in 1 year later, lately i have been thinking much of my future than myself. Planning for my future on what job or field i should step in, what should i do to make my future perfect. Hope life isn't treating me badly, hope what i plan will come out as what i hope for.