Life

Before I start writing this blog, i have been wondering what should i put as the title. After reading the manga "Aku No Hana" , i decided to name it Life.

In this life do we ever though of how should we live our life? many of this question stroke our mind, probably once or twice in our life time or maybe even more.

In this world our life maybe small, yet if we live out our life, it might lead to a greater cause. 

After my break up, i think 3 years? my friends would ask me, how can you be single for 3 years, won't you be lonely or anything. When people are hurt, when no one to comfort them, the best solution would be self protection. Even i would told them used to the life of being single, i'm ok with the life i having now, part of it yes i really get used to the life i'm having now but i can't denied the part that the whole idea set up just to protect myself from getting hurt.

Many people in this world, they tried their best to live out the life to the greatest extend, for self-satisfaction. Some would pursuit for greater job /career, sacrifice for their family, some might still chasing their dream.

After reading "Aku No Hana", sometimes people may lose sight of what they really look up for, and might lead to astray. Loving someone is great but to what extend could a person sacrifice in order just to have the person looked at you. When to get the attention, people will tend be extraordinary. But people would go beyond that, and will eventually losses the true selves, where it sparkle the most. Being ordinary isn't a sin, if you were the person cup of tea, no matter now ordinary you are, it sparkle the most. "hanabi".

For me, the life is our own, how or what we do to make it sparkle the most is by our hand. Sometimes i do believe, this world is chain by variety of timelines, every decision, every movement, we made will decide the future of us. If we chooses A, if we chooses B, life goes on, time will move in the same direction, without stopping, but in the end it will leads us to the outcomes we chose for our life to continue.

If we choose to live for others its not bad, but might eventually loses the spark that you ones hold dear. while the opposite live for yourselves, you will make out a greater and bigger spark that you don't even realize. 

Life is a difficult question, there are many times live will give us a great challenge. How serious we take it, will decide the path to walk on. While looking back, many of us would think "i wish that i be able to go back in time', people like me i dwell in the past for so long, i was unable to grasp of what my true feeling. Regrets hold you back, yet time will move on. 

How life of your own should continue is purely depends on your decision, what important is never lost track of yourselves, face your true selves. A brighter path will open for you, road to many possibilities..

complicated feeling

Recently i watch an old anime called 5 centimeter per second, in this anime it brings out strong emotional feeling towards love but it reflect on the cruel reality where some love were not always have the answer that the person desired.

1st part of the anime, it show on the era where technology is not yet advance. In this part, it show a boy name tohno and a girl name akira both still 12yo, so young is it? both from different city, move to the same town, study the same school, become friends, good friends and end up they feel in love with each other. As time goes by, where the girl parent need to move again, both have to separate again. Tohno still love Akira yet havta accept the fact that she gonna to leave. At the end of the chapter, tohno gonna move to other town which will be even further than what both of them used to be, even far that will take days to meet each other. Tohno decided to find her, travelling long hour train, encounter strong snowstorm, just to meet her even a couple hour. At the end, both of them answer their feeling with a kiss and they forever unable to contact each other as the guy leave by the train and move to a place even further. In the 1st part, it was trying to illustrate physical distance. Both in love but distance separate them.

Tohno Takaki: And right then it felt like I finally understood where everything was, eternity, the heart , the soul. It was like I was sharing every experience I'd ever had in my past 13 years. And then, the next moment, I became unbearably sad. I didn't know what to do with these feeling. Her warmth, her soul. How was I supposed to treat them? That, I did not know. Then right then, I clearly understood that we would never be together. Our lives not yet fully realized, the vast expanse of time. They lay before us and there was nothing we could do. But then, all my worries, all my doubt, started melting away. All that was left were Akari's soft lips on mine.

2nd part, is when Tohno move to the other town and is in high school. There was a girl name Kanae, she was deeply fall in love with Tohno. But as Tohno heart has been occupied and yet he and Akira has been losing contact ever since after he moved. Tohno heart has been broken down into pieces where he has the habit to type of his daily life process in his phone and try to send it out the Akira but since they have lost contact, he always end up deleting the message after finish typing it. Kanae loves to surf and she promise the day that she able to master surfing, she will confess to Tohno. But it also leads to the realization that Tohno will never love her, she describe it as when "me and him stand side by side, watching the same sky, yet i feel Tohno-kun always glance even farther than me, to the place where i can reach him". In this part, they trying to illustrate emotional distance. One sided love.

3rd part, is when Tohno has already a grown up guy and working in Tokyo as a computer engineer. He is in a relationship with a girl name Risa. In this part, Tohno end up breaking up with Risa even 3 years relationship. Tohno heart has been deeply hurt, comes to a point that he can't really response to other people love. Risa said "even 3 years of relationship with you, i still don't understand you. There is somewhere deep inside your heart where u don't want talk about or bring it up again'. That would mean the wound left by Akira, his 1st love. Even so many years, he still hung on his promise to Akira. A promise that he couldn't carry out, a promise that broken his heart in pieces that it couldn't recover. Tohno end up quitting his job an went back to the town where he met Akira, and the same scenery both walk pass the railway and both notice each other and the train pass by, it do shows that the women(Akira) has a wedding ring on her. When the train pass by, she is gone and Tohno left with a smile. In this part, they trying to illustrate temporal distance. Even time passes for so long, even has met for centuries, yet those who really love, holds on the promise and live on.Even they knew that it is futile.

Yesterday, I had a dream.. A dream I have since long ago. In that dream, we had yet to turn 13. We were in a vast countryside, completely covered with snow. The lights of the houses extended far into the distance, a dazzling sight. We walked on the thick carpet of fresh snow, but did not leave any footprints. And like that..." Someday we will be able to watch the cherry blossoms together again". Both of us, without any doubt.. That's what we thought.

1hour anime, it shows that sometimes the reality of love in life. Not all can be answered, yet many obstacle in between, or so called "fate". The author trying to emphasize on that life have to go on, search for new happiness and let go of the past where is it unreachable. Its true if not people will always stuck in the past dwell with the past and unable to step out from the past. It requires time as many of us do really love someone before is hard to let go even just memories left.

And after watching this anime, i have come to a realization that i was the same as Tohno in part3, afraid of moving forward.Maybe this quote of Tohno will comes to a better understanding than what i said:

“I’m just trying to live my life, but it seems as if sadness always piles itself up around me. It’s in my bed, the toothbrush in my bathroom, and the memory of my cellphone. Over the past few years, I’ve wanted to move on, I’ve wanted to take hold of something I couldn’t reach. What that is, I have no idea. Not knowing where such obsessive thoughts were coming from, I simply drowned myself in my work. Then one day I realized that my heart was withering, and in it there was nothing but pain. And one morning, I realized that my beliefs, that I once held so passionately, had completely disappeared. That was it, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I quit my job.”

working.......

It's been a while since the last time i update my blog, busy study, busy life and busy work, at most busy gaming and anime-ing.^v^

The moment i start study, i do think about my life: should i let go of what i previously struggle to achieve and just go on with stable income or part time study and work? In the end i choose to go on with a stable life.

As time passes, many things happened. somewhere deep down, i feel like want to rest. A long long rest and were able to enjoy with friends, maybe reminiscing how carefree that i used to be.

Soon will go for intern, and is where life start to get busy and the lesser the time left for me. Maybe this is the complexity feeling of those student who just graduate and stepping into working life, maybe just hav'ta get used to it and everything will be fine? I presumed, but still i will remain to be myself. A guy who is called as anime kaki (I'm proud to be), gaming kaki. Just don't know when will i step into the life of goyang kaki...hahaxzx.

Life is going to change more drastically in 1 year later, lately i have been thinking much of my future than myself. Planning for my future on what job or field i should step in, what should i do to make my future perfect. Hope life isn't treating me badly, hope what i plan will come out as what i hope for.

when my mood is getting better...T^T

                    Exam is coming, 2 weeks more. so damn stress, hav'ta score high GPA no matter what....and hav'ta pass so i can enter Year 2 with no sweat... accounting I damn scare of it because i failed this subject before at other University, but thanks that this time the accounting is assignment based i think i would help me alot in getting pointer 3.0 or above.
 
                   Another thing is my dog is getting weaker and weaker, left kidney already malfunction... now keep on vomit, doctor said that Dennis don't have red blood cell left in this body. the doctor inject anti vomit and give pain killer.what i can see is his body still trembling, heart so damn pain..very sad..he is too old to do any operation...now want can do is wait...i don't want the day to come...haixz...

                  Why the thing we love most hav'ta leave us, yet we just able to stand there and do nothing.. i know is unavoidable...just...haixz... Dennis i love you... sorry...

im such a carefree person

this few days, seriously many things happened. Friends and family matter. since small, what i wish is to have a peaceful family. where there are no argument. but from my sister, i was told that after my dad failed in this business ever since, this house had never been peace. i was born in the family where i keep on hearing my mom and dad will argue. seriously until now i don't understand what is the point of arguing, every time they issue that they argue seriously can be solve just by sitting down and talk it through. but i don't know why they just like a cat and dog, when ever there is a point where they can't agree with each other, they will start shout  and the war will start. they just don't understand when ever they argue it just make me and my sister sad and many times.we feel like moving out from this house.

i really don't know why my stupid father, he just can reasoning with us..whenever it does he will said all i said you all won't hear and don't even bother. but the fact is what we said i correct, he just can't admit that he is wrong. Almost 60, can't he have a little bit of logical thinking? talking with him really stress, we just want to have a peaceful family, a family that can let jyun sheng grow up to become a great boy. sometimes i just hope he wasn't here anymore, this mind is just so corrupted, everything he think sure is negative and not even once he will think things that happen on the good side before he open his fucking mouth.

on my cousin sides,things do happen. my cousin his wife was a thai, by appearance she is a good girl, seriously i don't feel that she is such a person. after my uncle pass away that family never peace like what it was before. she like wanting to take control over the family and my aunt have been bullied by her ever since..my biao jie n biao ge work at spore so many things they can't handle, until now they finally stand out le, my biao ge and her wife now hide at thailand due to can't repay back the sharkloan, and they house in alor setar they going to sell it off.they don't want to recognized him anymore. why so many things happen? my biao ge last time so good to my aunt but why all change, my mom told is is curse, which the thai most good at. In this two years, many bad thing happen, even that is their family issue not mine, yet they once are so close to me, somehow will effect me. I just simply hope that everything will turn out to be good, but is it possible? haixz

My mood ain't really good since last week, where my parent start arguing until now. Seriously, i dislike twilight but still my buddy asked me.i promise him to go.i also feel like want to go out relax a bit, my mood at that time already calm down a lot.suddenly they start argue again. It just make my mood gone wild again, i told my friends i regret to promise to go for twilight, and her gf see it.she misunderstand it as i didn't feel like want to explain, as i feel that it will only make things worst. explaining it would just make me feel like i'm trying to cover up for what i just said. i saying it is because on that moment, what i want to go is a place where i can sit down and calm myself down. yet im being scold not being gentlemen and don't care what other people feels, maybe he's right but no one know deep down what is in my mind. haixz..

sometimes i feel that is there a person where i can speak to,without worries. i would want to talk with him,cl. but every time when i feel like talk with him, he just answer me with o.o okok...dont know what to say mah. when time long..it is normal that i won't find you to talk, yet im the one being accuse not to find him to chat. what i think at that time is what the hack is this?? but as my nature, i won't be explaining as it seems pointless to me.

just now when i told my coursemate about my stuff, she said i really good in hiding my emotional. she can't find out i'm sad or what, only when i told her, she only know that im in a seriously bad mood. to her she says that in class everyday see me laugh,smile and joke. doesn't seems like a guy with problem..but after telling her, she just notice im a typical EMO guy. maybe this happy face is the result of my training to cover up the sadness within me.

after writing out all this, feel much better.but i know what the moment i woke up from my dream, the reality is there..it won't goes off that easily. what i can do now is pray and hope for the best it can be..

headache

sometimes i really don't know how or what to do.seriously headache..when the moment my parent know i got earn money.im ok with that as i able do part of my job as a family member..but things start to get a bit over..

today i finally pay off the fees(bills,investment,insurance.etc..which already cost me a damn hell of an amount.have a great afternoon sleep,wake up.what i heard the 1st thing is my mom ask me to get her rm3000 and need urgent.every month i been using up a lot just for the investment part,i already save up a lot.most of it to feed my car fuel,the maintainence,i have to take up the responsible.
just i do hope that they don't keep on ask that from me..really stress,even the bed they said want buy for me end up is me buying it..this month really dry up my wallet.many thing want to buy yet i can't buy.

just i hope that don't so stress me up.......study assignment all been coming up,i just hope won't stress up my study as i hope this sem score 3.5gpa then i able to apply for deduction of tuition fees.

just hope everything turns up fine..

geass =wish

after watching the past anime of the year 2008..code geass..many people will think of just a cartoon movie..serve for kids to watch..but i won't be mention about it anyway as no point to argue with those that don't even try and start giving opinion for it...

in this many point have been stated out, like how lelouch willing to go against his own father empire just for his beloved sister to give her a kinder world where she can smile and live happily.even end up his own sister treat him as enemy still he have to hide under his mask of sadness at the end sacrifice himself to give peace and kind world to her sister.

Beside that, it emphasize that love is a strong power,as sherly said before she died,no matter how her memory being alter,how many times she have her memory lost,she always will end up loving lelouch over and  over again..no matter how many times she will still love him even it's mean killing herself...seriously thinking about this really make people cry..

it is a good story as it twist and turn many unexpected event as it goes by..to good to rate even out of 10..

in this movie there is a scene that kills, as lelouch fake brother,he end up saving lelouch eventhough he told him that many times he try to kill him and he can't ever replace her beloved sister nunnally.still before he died he still believe in him that even all the lied he said, the memory that they walked in this period of time isn't fake.he willing to sacrifice to him even mean of his life..

People walk out from YESTERDAY, live for TODAY, and wish for a better TOMORROW. this is what lelouch said in the end...geass represent wish...wish of each person to have a better tomorrow,even what comes is worst and depressing. still as long we do wish, a better TOMORROW will appear..this is what GEASS mean...represent WISH and HOPE..

even the main theme of this anime is political ,mecha.still it carry out such beautiful meaning.beautiful that will make me sad and cry over with it..

HAHA will tag along with the very meaningful song from code geass,hope those who view this blog will like it.and understand. CHEERSss...^^