bad memory back..

today what happen is just so alike to what happen on me during form4 and form5 that hurt me a lot...

today i saw her where i know she will be there taking munsyi test in usm,me taking at dewan peperiksaan A,she at dewan peperiksaan B..i reach usm by 8.30am...and since i slept just 3hour,while waiting i fall asleep in the car...when almost time,i walk to the dewan,wao full of people......but the 1st sight i saw is her....to say i can't really recognize her,but i do recognize her hand bag,that bag that once we hid many food inside and bring into cinema eh..hahaxz...

i try to greet her but i don't dare to,because i scare,when i tend to greet her,something cross my mind in that instand,is when f5,where she when to mountain hike with her jitsin friends,where i take up my courage to talk with her but end up she give a very cold reply,that scene scare me and hold me back....from approaching her....i don't want being hurt by the same thing again..such a coward..

just the moment it's like everything that i have put it away comes back to me....the bad and sad memory i have abandoned,the long lost memory come to find back their long lost owner......aikxz....hate them....

the scene that during form4,she went for judo competition at gurney...the loneliness she gave me,while i wait for her almost the whole afternoon...where she dump me aside,go to take picture with her judo friends.where i have been left alone there watching her back..where i have to hold on my feeling n tear and back home..and she doesn't even feel any sence of guilty,when i have gone back home...aikxz that time i should stay and cheer for TANK that come to gurney aikxz...this memory still soooo fresh to me....

many bad memories comes back,is like celine dion(it's all coming back to me now)......the thing that i doesn't hope it be part of my memory...i jx hope it flush away by time by this proven,time unable to cure thing it just let you forget it temporary...but not permanently...

like what chin soon said what has done,there's no return,even i do forgive her and give her chance again,the hurt, the pain ,it won't disappear,even you really can put it down,it still will left scar on it....it can't be remove,since it doesn't have such advance plastic surgery for this gok.....and it forever won't have eh....

i love her but am i struggling,it's this the kind of love i want....?? (@.@) as i saw someone post on FB,how you really understand yourself??what you really desire is it the thing you really want??

many times i tend to give up le,just my heart told me don't.....is it my heart who told me to stop or is me who don't even want to try to give up??

i don't even understand what i really want le..struggle on love is such a waste of time..i know it but now i still....hahaxz...

the memories that hunting me down,i think it need to throw it away again le....the time where i can really fully trust her and put down all the past,on this CNY chu4...and the trust just break few days later...this the thing that really hurt me,it's like when you can fully trust someone,she just stabbed on you right after that....the hurt that really hurt me until now....haixz...

jia wern if u see this post can reply me on this am i really so wrong???for all the thing happen??
i just don't know le....2 more days is 11/4,where me and her brake for 2 month le....should i put it down le?